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Products That Fail
Products that shouldn't exist but do and piss me off.

Products That Fail - 12.03.09
The Jeff Dunham Show

While some people may not consider a television show to be a "product," I consider it one for the mere fact it's something that somebody is trying to sell to us. In this instance, it's Comedy Central that's trying to sell us on Jeff Dunham actually being funny enough to warrant his own show. Therefore, in some sense, a television show does technically fall into the category of "product." For example, "hi, we're Comedy Central. Please buy into our Jeff Dunham product so we can make money off of the advertisements we sell during his show, not to mention his DVD sales when they hit the market." That's assuming the show lasts long enough to even be released on DVD, mind you. If this turd-tanker of a show makes it to season two I'll be amazed. Actually, I probably won't since three out of four people in this world are fucking retarded, and it's these same retards think who Jeff Dunham is funny.

For those of you who don't know who this fucknugget is (consider yourself lucky), he's a "comedian" whose entire act revolves around ventriloquism. If you ask me, which you should because I'm smart and my opinions are awesome, ventriloquism isn't funny, never has been, and never will be. If you think about it, ventriloquism is nothing more than setting yourself up for your own joke, which is the lamest of the lame. I mean, really, if you need a way to set yourself up for a joke, why not just involve another living person in your act? Having a conversation with a puppet on your hand just to set yourself up for a laugh is flat-out stupid and cheap. At this point I should add that almost anybody should be capable of squeeking out a laugh when the jokes are already set up for them, yet Jeff Dunham fails at even that. The guy sets himself up for a joke, yet his "jokes" are so fucking lame and contrived how anyone could so much as crack a smile at one of them is beyond me. Even with the perfect set up, Jeff Dunham can't figure out how to be funny. Jesus Christ, Jeff.

Jeff Dunham is easily one of, if not the, most unfunny comedians of all time. I don't even like to use the word comedian in the same sentence as Jeff Dunham as I feel it's an insult to the word. "Comedian" implies "comedy," which is something Jeff Dunham clearly knows nothing about. As stated earlier, ventriloquism just isn't funny. It's especially not funny when it's Jeff Dunham attempting it. We can see your mouth moving, asshole. You're not fooling anybody. Hell, not only is the guy completely unfunny, he's not even a good ventriloquist. And while I'm being completely honest, ventriloquism is rather creepy and anybody who devotes their life to the craft might be storing dead bodies in their crawlspace.

So how did this fuckbox get his own show?

Jeff Dunham's meteoric rise to fame is primarily due to women who, as people who understand good comedy know, have an incredibly shitty sense of humor. Norm McDonald, perhaps one of the funniest men to ever live, took a few jabs at the female take on comedy in a 2009 appearance on The Howard Stern Show. Norm, along with Howard and crew, discussed how most women have an absolutely terrible sense of humor. Click here to check out the clip on YouTube if it hasn't been removed due to copyright infringement by now. Anyhow, it's true that a large percentage of the female population wouldn't recognize good comedy if it were raping them in broad daylight. These same women actually find a guy who talks to a puppet on his hand to be hilarious.

Knowing that I'm a huge fan of stand-up comedy, many of my female friends used to ask me if I'd ever heard of Jeff Dunham and would go on to insist that I'd love him because he's "a riot." I heard this so often that I eventually just YouTubed the guy to see if he was in fact as funny as these chicks were swearing he was. I was shocked and utterly appalled at how cringeworthingly unfunny the guy was, yet almost everyone I knew with a vagina was singing his praises. Every goofy broad I met seemed to absolutely love Jeff Dunham and his arsenal of stupid fucking puppets. Yes, thanks to chicks, and chicks dragging their boyfriends to see his talentless show, Jeff's audience eventually grew to the point where he was offered his own worthless excuse for a television show on Comedy Central. Proving my point, 42 of my Facebook friends currently like Jeff Dunham and 30 of them are females. The other 12 are dudes who clearly have a crappy sense of humor which is probably why I rarely socialize with them.

Fuck you, Jeff Dunham.
You should have this tattooed on your forehead, Jeff.

I have to admit, Comedy Central's taken a real shit on themselves over the last couple of years. First they gave that hack Carlos Mencia a show, then they cancel Reno 911 (which wasn't the best show ever produced, but it had its moments and was a whole lot funnier than most of the other shows they air), then they proceed to air new shows like Secret Girlfriend that royally fucking suck, and now they've introduced The Jeff Dunham Show. Pretty much the only thing Comedy Central has going for them now is The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, a rapidly declining South Park, and old reruns of Futurama.

Out of morbid curiosity I suffered through the entire first episode of The Jeff Dunham Show. As expected, it was a fucking catastrophe. Not only did I fail to laugh once, I didn't even crack a smile. I sat there mesmerized, focusing my hate on this completely talentless dipshit who, thanks to a few million halfwits who find talking to a puppet funny, somehow managed to finagle himself into his very own show. The focus of the show? Jeff takes his unfunny self out in public with his unfunny puppets and, well... nothing funny happens. He brings them out in public, interacts with people, and the results are filmed and subsequently compiled into a television show that's painful to watch. I should mention that his puppets aren't even funny to look at and are nothing more than clichés anyhow, some of which border on racist. For example, a dead terrorist who constantly talks about killing things and has the catch phrase, "I keel you," a grumpy old man who hates everything, a black guy who speaks like an uneducated buffoon, a Mexican (poorly named "Jalapeno") who also speaks like an imbeclile, and so on. None of it is witty or clever. If I ever had the misfortune to find myself among the audience of a Jeff Dunham show, I wouldn't even boo the guy. I'd just sit there and stare at him with a blank look on my face. A look of, "what the fuck is this?"

I hate Jeff Dunham so much it's probably not healthy. That oversized fuckhole is one of the least funny people on the planet and I'd give anything to punch him in the throat, preferably with a hammer. He should be sealed in a toxic waste barrel and thrown to the bottom of the ocean along with anybody who actually thinks he's talented. The next time somebody asks me why I'm rooting for an asteroid to wipe out humanity, I'm going to reply, "because Jeff Dunham exists, along with people who think he's funny."

Jeff Dunham should be working at a fucking drive-thru. I hate him so much it physically hurts. I pray it rains AIDS and he walks outside and opens his fucking mouth.

EDIT - 08.04.10
I'm extremely pleased to announce that Comedy Central has come to their senses and shitcanned Jeff Dunham's terrible excuse for a show. Fuck you, Jeff Dunham. Fuck you and your stupid puppets. Told you your show was horrible. I win.
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