Products that shouldn't exist
but do and piss me off.
Products That Fail -
Jeff Dunham Show
While some people may not consider a television
show to be a "product," I consider
it one for the mere fact it's something
that somebody is trying to sell to us.
In this instance, it's Comedy Central
that's trying to sell us on Jeff Dunham
actually being funny enough to warrant
his own show. Therefore, in some sense,
a television show does technically fall
into the category of "product."
For example, "hi, we're Comedy Central.
Please buy into our Jeff Dunham product
so we can make money off of the advertisements
we sell during his show, not to mention
his DVD sales when they hit the market."
That's assuming the show lasts long enough
to even be released on DVD, mind you.
If this turd-tanker of a show makes it
to season two I'll be amazed. Actually,
I probably won't since three out of four
people in this world are fucking retarded,
and it's these same retards think who
Jeff Dunham is funny.
For those of you who don't know who this
fucknugget is (consider yourself lucky),
he's a "comedian" whose entire
act revolves around ventriloquism. If
you ask me, which you should because I'm
smart and my opinions are awesome, ventriloquism
isn't funny, never has been, and never
will be. If you think about it, ventriloquism
is nothing more than setting yourself
up for your own joke, which is the lamest
of the lame. I mean, really, if you need
a way to set yourself up for a joke, why
not just involve another living person
in your act? Having a conversation with
a puppet on your hand just to set yourself
up for a laugh is flat-out stupid and
cheap. At this point I should add that
almost anybody should be capable of squeeking
out a laugh when the jokes are already
set up for them, yet Jeff Dunham fails
at even that. The guy sets himself up
for a joke, yet his "jokes"
are so fucking lame and contrived how
anyone could so much as crack a smile
at one of them is beyond me. Even with
the perfect set up, Jeff Dunham can't
figure out how to be funny. Jesus Christ,
Jeff Dunham is easily one of, if not the,
most unfunny comedians of all time. I
don't even like to use the word comedian
in the same sentence as Jeff Dunham as
I feel it's an insult to the word. "Comedian"
implies "comedy," which is something
Jeff Dunham clearly knows nothing about.
As stated earlier, ventriloquism just
isn't funny. It's especially not funny
when it's Jeff Dunham attempting it. We
can see your mouth moving, asshole. You're
not fooling anybody. Hell, not only is
the guy completely unfunny, he's not even
a good ventriloquist. And while I'm being
completely honest, ventriloquism is rather
creepy and anybody who devotes their life
to the craft might be storing dead bodies
in their crawlspace.
So how did this fuckbox get his own show?
Jeff Dunham's meteoric rise to fame is
primarily due to women who, as people
who understand good comedy know, have
an incredibly shitty sense of humor. Norm
McDonald, perhaps one of the funniest
men to ever live, took a few jabs at the
female take on comedy in a 2009 appearance
on The Howard Stern Show. Norm,
along with Howard and crew, discussed
how most women have an absolutely terrible
sense of humor. Click
here to check out the clip on YouTube
if it hasn't been removed due to copyright
infringement by now. Anyhow, it's true
that a large percentage of the female
population wouldn't recognize good comedy
if it were raping them in broad daylight.
These same women actually find a guy who
talks to a puppet on his hand to be hilarious.
Knowing that I'm a huge fan of stand-up
comedy, many of my female friends used
to ask me if I'd ever heard of Jeff Dunham
and would go on to insist that I'd love
him because he's "a riot." I
heard this so often that I eventually
just YouTubed the guy to see if he was
in fact as funny as these chicks were
swearing he was. I was shocked and utterly
appalled at how cringeworthingly unfunny
the guy was, yet almost everyone I knew
with a vagina was singing his praises.
Every goofy broad I met seemed to absolutely
love Jeff Dunham and his arsenal of stupid
fucking puppets. Yes, thanks to chicks,
and chicks dragging their boyfriends to
see his talentless show, Jeff's audience
eventually grew to the point where he
was offered his own worthless excuse for
a television show on Comedy Central. Proving
my point, 42 of my Facebook friends currently
like Jeff Dunham and 30 of them are females.
The other 12 are dudes who clearly have
a crappy sense of humor which is probably
why I rarely socialize with them.
I have to admit, Comedy Central's taken
a real shit on themselves over the last
couple of years. First they gave that
hack Carlos Mencia a show, then they cancel
Reno 911 (which wasn't the best
show ever produced, but it had its moments
and was a whole lot funnier than most
of the other shows they air), then they
proceed to air new shows like Secret
Girlfriend that royally fucking suck,
and now they've introduced The Jeff
Dunham Show. Pretty much the only
thing Comedy Central has going for them
now is The Daily Show, The
Colbert Report, a rapidly declining
South Park, and old reruns of
Out of morbid curiosity I suffered through
the entire first episode of The Jeff
Dunham Show. As expected, it was
a fucking catastrophe. Not only did I
fail to laugh once, I didn't even crack
a smile. I sat there mesmerized, focusing
my hate on this completely talentless
dipshit who, thanks to a few million halfwits
who find talking to a puppet funny, somehow
managed to finagle himself into his very
own show. The focus of the show? Jeff
takes his unfunny self out in public with
his unfunny puppets and, well... nothing
funny happens. He brings them out in public,
interacts with people, and the results
are filmed and subsequently compiled into
a television show that's painful to watch.
I should mention that his puppets aren't
even funny to look at and are nothing
more than clichés anyhow, some
of which border on racist. For example,
a dead terrorist who constantly talks
about killing things and has the catch
phrase, "I keel you," a grumpy
old man who hates everything, a black
guy who speaks like an uneducated buffoon,
a Mexican (poorly named "Jalapeno")
who also speaks like an imbeclile, and
so on. None of it is witty or clever.
If I ever had the misfortune to find myself
among the audience of a Jeff Dunham show,
I wouldn't even boo the guy. I'd just
sit there and stare at him with a blank
look on my face. A look of, "what
the fuck is this?"
I hate Jeff Dunham so much it's probably
not healthy. That oversized fuckhole is
one of the least funny people on the planet
and I'd give anything to punch him in
the throat, preferably with a hammer.
He should be sealed in a toxic waste barrel
and thrown to the bottom of the ocean
along with anybody who actually thinks
he's talented. The next time somebody
asks me why I'm rooting for an asteroid
to wipe out humanity, I'm going to reply,
"because Jeff Dunham exists, along
with people who think he's funny."
Jeff Dunham should be working at a fucking
drive-thru. I hate him so much it physically
hurts. I pray it rains AIDS and he walks
outside and opens his fucking mouth.
I'm extremely pleased to announce that Comedy
Central has come to their senses and shitcanned
Jeff Dunham's terrible excuse for a show.
Fuck you, Jeff Dunham. Fuck you and your
stupid puppets. Told you your show was horrible.