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Products That Fail
Products that shouldn't exist but do and piss me off.
Products That Fail - 11.22.09
The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess

I literally just finished playing The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess. I know, I know... the game came out back in 2006. I just now got around to playing it, so blow me. I get fucking busy sometimes. And by "get fucking busy," I mean, "spend a lot of time drinking."

Anyhow, I rarely play video games these days 'cause they take away from my drinking time, but a few weeks ago I thought it'd be fun to pop in this latest Zelda game and give it a go. I had just finished beating The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening for the Game Boy and had a great time with it. Talk about a fun game. After wrapping up that one, I was in serious Zelda mode and just had to play Twilight Princess on my Gamecube. Yes, I own a Gamecube. But, in my defense, I only bought one so I could play Resident Evil and Resident Evil: 4, two of the best games ever made.

This is not only the shittiest Zelda game ever made (and, yes, that includes the second Zelda game made for the NES back in the day) but one of the shittiest, most over-hyped games I've ever played. Almost every review I read of this disaster of a game had nothing but great things to say about it. In fact, most sites rated it 9.5 out of 10 so I was understandably pumped to play it. What a monumental let-down. I'm talking a let-down on the same scale as those new Star Wars movies, which completely sucked a bag of dicks.

Twilight Princess
fails on so many levels that to talk about them all would take way longer than my attention span would allow, so I'll just sum them all up in this one statement: This game isn't fun. There, I said it. How the fuck anybody could play this game and actually enjoy it is beyond me. It's the single most frustrating and unrewarding game I've ever played, and I've played a lot of games. What ever happened to the basic "let's save the princess" storyline of previous Zeldas? It seems as if with every Zelda game Nintendo feels the need to make the storyline more and more outlandish. Actually, the storyline for Link's Awakening wasn't about saving a princess but it was still fun and Nintendo didn't go to overboard with the plot. Granted the plot was stupid but the game was still super addictive and a real joy to play, unlike this Twilight Princess garbage. Twilight Princess' story bounces around so much that it's actually hard to follow, and the game has so much dialogue to read and so many cutscenes to watch that the game feels like a book, a movie, and a video game all rolled into one. You seriously have to read pages and pages of dialogue throughout the game and the shitty part is, if you skip any of it, you just end up missing important clues you need to further your quest. Hence, you're stuck reading all of this nonsensical bullshit about some stupid twilight realm that makes absolutely no sense.

Right about now I should probably come clean and admit that I actually suffered through the entire game and beat it. Why? Because I just kept hoping and hoping it would get better. That somehow I'd get back all of the work I'd been putting in. It was my ex-girlfriend who cheered me on while playing the game, telling me that it would get better and not to worry because she'd played it and beaten it before. She hates me with a burning passion so I don't know why the fuck I listened to her, as she was clearly screwing with me. She moved in with me, we played the game together for three weeks, and then she threw a glass of milk in my face and moved out. So, uh, yeah, I'm guessing she was probably getting a kick out of watching me waste my life by playing this buttfucking game.

Twilight Princess sucks from start to finish and doesn't even really feel like a Zelda game. It does at times (mainly thanks to the music), but for the most part it just feels too foreign to the series. First of all, unlike previous Zelda games that start off with a bang, Twilight Princess has one of the most boring introductions in video game history. I actually started playing the game back in 2007 but after two hours I got bored and shitcanned it for Resident Evil. But, two years later after having played Link's Awakening and yearning for some more Zelda, and after my ex-cumrag, err, girlfriend, assured me that it'd get better, I decided to give it another go.

You start off as some little shitbag with no sword, no shield, and pretty much nothing cool or of interest. Granted that's how the other Zelda games started off, but at least in those versions you got your sword within the first few minutes of playing, not the first few hours. I've never seen a game start off as slowly as Twilight Princess. Not only does the game start off slow, but the storyline's so fucking ridiculous that it offers no incentive to keep playing. It's not like, "Gee, I wonder what'll happen next? I better keep playing to find out!" Instead, it's, "Wow, this storyline makes absolutely no sense and whoever came up with it was clearly on some form of hallucinogenic drug." Twilight invading light? I still have no idea what exactly was going on, but what I do know is the game forces you to play as a wolf for roughly 50% of the game and it sucks roughly 100% of the time. Seriously, Nintendo. A wolf? Nintendo, here's a hot tip that might keep your company in business a few more years: If something works, keep fucking doing it. Meaning, stop reinventing shit that already works. Stop reinventing the fucking wheel all the damn time. The original Zelda games (NES, Game Boy, Super Nintendo, N64) all worked for a reason. People want to play as Link, they don't want to play as a fucking wolf. What a shitty concept to add to a shitty game.

My biggest gripe with the game is how unrewarding it is along with how completely frustrating it is. Some games are frustrating but in a fun way. Like, "Argh, I can't believe I can't figure out this puzzle, but I'll keep trying and I'll get it eventually!" Twilight Princess is not one of those games. Instead, it's more of, "Wow, this is really fucking aggrivating. Way to fuck me over, Nintendo." This constant fuckery is a recurring theme throughout the entire game from start to finish. There are way too many examples to list, but here's a good one: Guy outside of village says he could use some hot spring water. Knowing where the only place in the game is that you can get hot spring water, you run there (which takes forever 'cause the game's massive), scoop some up in a bottle, and return to him. Easy, right? Wrong, because when you try to give him the hot spring water, it's cooled down already and become just regular water. It's endlessly frustrating and you'll want to tear your hair out. If you're bald, you'd want to grow hair and then tear it out.

Twilight Princess is a very long game. In fact, because I suck, it took me over eighty hours to beat. I'd probably have had more fun if I had just spent those eighty hours punching myself directly in the face. At least then I could make up some sympathetic story and use it to get laid. Like, "What happened to my face? Oh, well, I saw a group of guys raping a girl so I jumped in to try and save her and got beat in the process. I still saved her, though." I don't think saying, "Oh, I spent eighty hours playing a video game" is going to get me laid anytime soon, but who knows?

In summation, this game is a complete waste of time. Even the ending is ridiculously unsatisfying. With other Zelda games you at least felt a sense of accomplishment after beating them. They even stirred emotion in you. The only feeling I had after beating this monkey crap was, "Thank God it's over." If I weren't such a Jew I'd write "FUCK YOU" on the data side of the disc and mail it to Nintendo. Instead I'm going to find somebody who hasn't played it yet, convince them it's the best game ever, and sell it to 'em for twenty bucks. I'm evil, I know.

Fuck you, Nintendo.

If only the game were as cool as its cover art.

You'd have more fun watching this dry.
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